wallydownundy

Tonight I am delivering this speech before 50 people at the Sydney City Rotary Club to celebrate USA Independence Day (wish me luck):

I am honoured to speak in recognition of Independence Day tonight at the Rotary Club of Sydney CBD.

I understand this is the most multi-cultural Rotary in the country. On behalf of all Americans in Australia, thank you for tonight’s event to recognise America’s Fourth of July holiday.

America is so big and so obvious most people forget to include it when recognising global cultures.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Walter Jennings, Partner and Founder of Perception Counsel – a financial and corporate public relations firm just up Pitt Street in Sydney CBD.

It is a delight to be invited to talk. Forgive me if I come across a little nervous at times. I accepted the invitation to speak and THEN met with Kim Smith. I asked her what she wanted me to talk about. She said, “Make them laugh.”

I immediately had second thoughts!

Now may surprise to learn I am not originally from Sydney. Yes. I’m from Bathurst.

Okay – maybe I’m an American. Now that we’ve changed presidents I don’t have to tell people I’m a political refugee!

I believe Australian Immigration built the big Christmas Island centre thinking George Bush’s brother was going to run for President.

But America has a new president. Barack Obama. Suddenly it’s cool to be American again!This weekend my 72 year old mother said she thought he was the sexiest man alive. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

Americans – you see – need to LOVE their presidents. It’s what makes the election process such a long, drawn-out affair. Americans can’t speed-date that type of commitment!

It’s different here in Australia. We like Kevin. We LIKED John. But love?

That said Sacha Baron Cohen was here to open his new film – Bruno. He appeared on “Rove” after Kevin Rudd and said he thought “Ruddy” was the cutest leader in the free world. Bruno said, “I did to Ruddy last night what Malcolm Turnbull tried to do to him all last week.”Love is a little too far for Australians. Let’s just say we’d respect Kevin in the morning.

But now with Obama in the White House I do NOT have to  be “North American.” Have you ever tried to make up the Canadian National Anthem on the spot? Well one word of advice if you do – apparently it does not include maple syrup, hockey or ‘Big White Frozen Place Up North.’ Now you know…

Originally I am from a small farming community in the state of New Jersey on the East Coast – our nearest neighbour was a mile away. Our nearest town was 8 miles away. And that town was a whole lot like Bathurst – a country enclave of farmers and merchants.

Tonight it’s up to me to correct the untruths and update all of you on America. We are NOT a nation of pushy, loud, brash, obnoxious, super wealthy know-it-alls. Not at all! In fact some of us Americans have very little money indeed. But if I can’t improve the image of Americans in Australia at least I can update you about the event we’re celebrating tonight.

When attending a dinner for the Fourth of July it’s hard not to think of the celebrations of your youth. Up North it’s summer – so if you want to really experience July 4^th think of Australia Day. Sunshine. Hamburgers on the Grill (that’s American for Barbie). Corn on the Cob. Watermelon. And when the sun finally set hand-held sparklers. Lightning bugs. Maybe even fireworks. They are illegal in most states, so you had to have someone bring them up from South Carolina.

And like Australia Day you would reflect on the liberties the country gave you. You might attend a parade. You’d definitely fly your flag. And you might sing “God Bless America” – led by a drunken uncle. Without really thinking about what makes America great – you’d feel proud. I still do – even if I’m celebrating on a bitter cold day in Australia!

Funny when I was a kid we’d dig holes hoping to get to the other side of the world. I never thought I’d actually get here!

Now the place that I call home is the country that’s also a continent – Australia. It took “Discovery Channel” to tell me this is the second most inhospitable continent on the planet – after Antarctica! And while Antarctica is one of our closest neighbours our climates couldn’t be more different.

America. Australia. Besides starting with the letter ‘A’, the two countries share much more. Physically they’re the same size. A heavily accented English is our shared language. We’re both living on land first populated by indigenous cultures. Yet the scale of the differences continue to amaze me.

Today there are 14.6 million Americans out of work – that’s just under the population of Australia when I first moved here in 1991. There are 45 million smokers in America – more than double the entire population of 21 million Australians. And while both countries are vast, America has a well-populated central region. Folks in New York and Los Angeles call those the “fly over” states. In Australia our vast, dry, barren heartland has a mythical pull that defines much of who we are as Australians.

America. Australia. Rolling Stone correspondent, author and life-time lush P.J. O’Rourke summed our differences in his perspective: “At least we American tourists understand English when it’s spoken loudly and clearly enough. Australian’s don’t. Once you’ve been on a plane full of drunken Australians doing wallaby imitations up and down the aisles, you’ll never make fun of Americans visiting the Wailing Wall in short shorts again.” That quote is in the intro to his book, “Holidays in Hell” – where he details excursions taken under bad advice or the influence of alcohol. Such as an extra-marital affair conducted at a Bible Theme Park.   Kevin Rudd said he admired America – and was elected with a campaign promise to maintain the US-Australian alliance. “…there is no greater challenge or opportunity I look forward to more than working with the great American democracy, the arsenal of freedom, in bringing about long term changes to our planet.”

One of my favourite authors – Bill Bryson – is known for his clever writing on travel. His book, “Sunburned Country” has a memorable start:“Flying into Australia, I realised with a sigh that I had forgotten again who their Prime Minister is. I am forever doing this with the Australian prime minister – committing the name to memory, forgetting it (generally more or less instantly), then feeling terribly guilty. My thinking is that there ought to be one person outside Australia who knows.”

But then again Americans aren’t known for their in-depth understanding of world affairs. To prepare this speech I undertook painstaking, original research. In other words Saturday night I asked a table full of mates what they thought of Americans.

• “Loud, obnoxious know-it-alls” (See where I got my opening?)
• “You can spot them in white sneakers and those tractor caps wherever they go!”
• “Americans are geographically stupid”

Then I was regaled with countless stories:

• The university professor who insisted Australia was in the Euro zone – even when told we weren’t Austria.
• The backpacker girl who said, “Oh My God! I didn’t know Australians spoke American!”
• A New Yorker who couldn’t fathom what currency we used if we didn’t have American dollar bills.

But once I got past the bluster and the embarrassing stories, I heard a gentler truth. One that spoke of affection for America.

• “I feel I’ve known America since I was a kid – from watching The Brady Bunch”
• “I always wanted to go there – and then was surprised by how nice everyone was.”
• “Once they stop taking themselves so seriously Yanks are a lot of fun.”

The book – “Instructions for American Servicemen in Australia ” – was given to every serviceman stationed in this country. During World War Two over one million US soldiers called Australia home at some point.  In it are gems of advice – including a glossary of popular slang. I wish I had that when I first arrived in 1990! My first week I was labelled a “Septic” and I still cringe when I hear that.Yank rhymes with Tank – thus Septic Tank. The author – who remains an anonymous Army staff writer – reflects on the differences but also the similarities.

In 1900 a visiting Australian statesman said of the United States:“What we are, you were. What you are we will some day be.”

In World War Two, Australian War Minister, Francis Forde said:“We feel that our fate and that of America are indissolubly linked. We know that our destinies go hand in hand and that we rise and fall together. And we are proud and confident in that association.”

America. Australia. We are a lot more alike than you may think. When trying to understand the cultural similarities and differences look back to the founding of the two countries.

The USA was founded by religious fundamentalists seeking freedom. That may help you understand our bizarre inability to handle partial nudity on television while producing some of the most violent “shoot ‘em up” films ever.

Australia was a penal colony and until the mid twentieth century families hid their convict heritage – whereas now it’s embraced.

Both countries were carved from a tough land. Both are resolutely independent and proud of their hard-earned freedom. And both turn a nose up – or maybe a finger – at pretence and the establishment.

My mother says Australia reminds her of America in the 1950s – an idyllic world of friendly people, safe neighbourhoods and few of the social ills that plague America. Kind of like “Happy Days” without the Fonz – or the Commancheros.

So at the base of our two countries is a relationship based on genuine affection. Americans are mad for Australians! And let me tell you – Crocodile Dundee has a lot to answer for! Americans thinks we wear knives to work, ride kangaroos down George Street and broom the desert out our homes every morning!

America. Australia. Tremendous differences, yet incredible similarities. It reminds me of family. We’re always there for each other. We have a strong relationship based on trust and a shared set of values. We have a similar view of the future – even if we live our lives differently.

And yes, like family – we get up each other’s noses. But that’s the push and pull of being in a family. No matter how much we annoy you – as America – we know Australia will be there for us. And vice versa.

So in honour of our long-standing friendship, may I ask you to charge your glasses, rise and join me for a toast?

Please raise a drink to our great nations. America. Australia. Friends, allies and a whole lot like family. Cheers!

Thank you.